Jared and I were out to eat last night and he said "I feel like a bad husband because I don't even know what your dreams, and goals are. What are they?" The sad thing is, I didn't have an answer for him. The position in life right now that I'm in, is hard. I am a mom. I have a part time job that R comes with me. But for then next 18 years I am a mom. (thats not to mention if we have other kids) My husband is finishing school, and is the main income that we live off. So what he does impacts our lives so much. We don't know where he will be getting a job, or where we will be living, or anything like that. So for me its hard to have a dream and hope for myself when nothing can be done about it right now. So I think I have just put those out my mind so I wont get depressed! So my question is if you understand me at all:
How can you have dreams, and hopes without being disappointed, because you aren't moving any closer to fulfilling those things!
I understand that I can hope for things like R being a healthy, smart kid. Or things like I dream that Jared will get a job in Australia that pays a lot more. But those are great thinking, but they aren't for MYSELF. I don't want to sound selfish, but I personally don't have any goals or dreams for myself. Which is depressing in and of itself.
Any advise would be great!
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8 comments:
Tracee I love that you wrote about this! It is something that bogs my mind and that has really impacted me as a person since we made the decision to have Ella. I had dreams big ones..I was on the right path to accomplish those dreams, I had a great career and now I too am a mom. I don't regret it in the least bit, but my challenge is not forgetting who I am.. "besides" the mother of Elleah wife of Michael. Thanks for the amazing thoughts, I have thought at times I was the only one who felt this way. When you have an answer I would love to hear it! For now we just live the dream day to day.
tracee, i think EVERY mom feels this way at some point, if not often. it's such a switch to doing everything for yourself (like when your single), to doing everything for other people--your kids and husband! i think it really is one of our biggest challenges as mothers/wives to not lose ourselves as we try to serve our family. we definitely still need to feel fulfilled and be able to have goals/aspirations. i don't have it all figured out by any means, but i do thinks your dreams change as you get older, and it's more about what you dream for as a family then you as an individual. the cool thing about it is that, for me, it really makes me feel more unified with tom. our dreams are one and the same and we're in this together! that being said, i still think it is SO important to do things that bring you joy that don't have anything to do with being a mom/wife. i haven't found the perfect balance yet, so yes, share any secrets you figure out! :) i love this quote, which i posted on my blog a while back, explains the predicament perfectly.
"Motherhood brings as much joy as ever, but it still brings boredom, exhaustion and sorrow too. Nothing else will ever make you as happy or as sad, as proud or as tired, for nothing is quite as hard as helping a person develop his own individuality, especially while you struggle to keep your own."--Marguerite Kelly & Ella Parsons, 20th century American writers
Thanks for sharing that, Trace! I know I'm not a mom yet (like you didn't know that ;) but even without having kids, I have a hard time thinking of hopes and dreams that include only myself. One dream I do have is to graduate (which will hopefully be next spring) but I still feel like that isn't just for me. It's a security thing for me, just in case something ever happens to Dar and I have to provide for our family. But to me, the long term part of that goal is that it's for my family. For my future kids, and for my parents and siblings. I wanted to show them that they can do better things with their lives than what they are currently doing. It's hard for me to see my family struggle, and I wanted something better for my own family, especially for Darwin and our future kids. Wow. What a special gift it is to be a wife/mother, huh? I think it makes us more like the Savior. We get to serve our husbands and our kids like He selflessly served everyone around Him.
I don't think you should feel guilty about not having hopes or dreams for yourself though. I know your family is important to you, so any goals or dreams you have that include your family is WONDERFUL!!
I agree with everyone - it's hard at this stage to have dreams and goals that seem "big" but actually what you are doing is a dream to a lot of women. Being able to have a baby & raise her without having to work full time is a dream - at least I feel that way. Having said that, I don't think you should ever lose sight of the "big" dreams. Keep searching because they will change over time for sure and then when your kids are older you'll have another dream to look forward to.
I've been thinking about this since I read your post. I started wondering about my own hopes and dreams. I agree with pretty much everything that has been said, not too much else to add.
I did think of one thing though, and I find that my hopes/dreams are all to help my family (which I think is pretty normal) anything that is more personal becomes more of self improvement than anything else. If Mike were to ask me that I would tell him about how I need to do such and such better/more, etc.
We really are all connected and it's hard to have any thoughts or feelings without it having to do with others. Don't feel guilty, if you really do want to move to Austrailia, I think that's great (sure it's for your whole family), I think you need to look to the future no matter how you do it.
I guess no answers here, but just some thoughts....
Good luck!
I have thought about your post this weekend and have some thoughts. Sorry if it is a bit lengthy :) This definitely is something that plagues all mothers. I have had ups and downs with my own goals and dreams. As I have thought about your post, I have three thoughts I would like to share
#1. I think it is possible to have your own goals and dreams. They might not be the same as a women with a flashy career but just because you don't receive a fancy title doesn't mean that you can't work towards, and achieve lofty goals. The goals and dreams might not be the same as your former single and "selfish" self thought you would have. Definitely for me they are more family related but I know that Ben wouldn't be where he is today without me and I know for sure that I make a huge difference in my kids life (because I am ALWAYS cleaning up their messes:)
#2. For me the best way to feel that I am progressing and to remain fulfilled as an individual, not just a wife and mother is to have personal interests, develop my talents and take time for myself. How this is accomplished will be different for everyone and at times I know is easier said then done. Something that might be helpful is to think about the women you want to be in 10,20,30,40 years and start today developing that person. It is helpful to remember that the most important thing is who we become, not necessarily what we accomplish. There are many different paths to becoming someone who is kind, loving, intelligent, fun, interesting, patient, etc. We get to become the women we want through the medium of being a mother. When you think about who you want to be in the future it helps give purpose and clarity for the present.
#3. Last thought; remember there is a time and a season for everything. Our kids will grow quickly, soon we will get more time and mental energy for ourselves and before we know it we will be empty nesters with a lot more time to be an individual and then we will miss the days of being mom.
One last thing before I end my novel (sorry) Pres. Monson's talk from this past conference entitled Joy in the Journey Now is really inspiring, you should read it. Good luck figuring it all out for you!
glad i checked back-- wow michelle, i feel like you should be a motivational speaker to mothers on this subject. great thoughts girl!
Oooo! I like the picture, Tracee! Good job!!
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